Anniversary Poem for Renee

"Half-Life"

What's the half-life on regret?
Or is it immortal?
Certain metals become rusted
when they receive too much
oxygen and water, meaning
that what we require for life
also erodes something else
Have we considered this science?
I require the oxygen to breath
and that fills me with life but
what is being eroded?
I dared to breath so I could
share words while you laughed
While we laughed
Remember?
Then you were gone and I needed
to breath in more and more oxygen
as I felt like I was losing the ability
to live, with storms in my eyes
the extra O2 rusted away what
was left for me to love you
But I do regret
It's the only metal left

Complicated and Carbonated: A Story of Addiction

The hardest thing I do every day is wake up and not drink soda. I can’t imagine anything more difficult. Every morning my tongue desires the tingle of carbonation as it seductively rises in the glass like a fleet of hot air balloons waiting to take me to a new and grand destination. 

But I must resist the urge. Every single day.

I must.

For the sugar content is too high and the breakouts are unbearable on my skin. It’s too hard to date when your face looks like pizza toppings. Even when the scintillating flavors entice my palate with notes of cherry, vanilla, or regular flavor, I must keep away. Sometimes I even feel crushed by the weight as I cry out for a doctor with my eyes becoming a mountain of dew.

I realize why people have Coke.

To be refreshed. To feel alive. To make you feel like your life doesn’t have to be one big diet. You can experience the full flavor, be your own sprite, magical and wondrous rolling through a Sierra mist as the fizz becomes an eruption, shaken before it stirs you.

However, when those thoughts hit me, I have to call a “code red” so I can keep my mind in check. It’s so easy to ruin my life with high fructose goodness and yet so hard to stop. So tasty. So refreshing. I think of soda with every movie I see. Every game attended. The desire will never escape me. My addiction is never ending.

Even not having soda effects my everyday life. I’m more cranky now with no caffeine for pep. Seeing clear is harder now, my work fraught with missteps. I try to repair relationships I gave up, girlfriends who couldn’t handle my all night binges. Cans painted across the floor, Cheetos on my chest and Pepsi dripping from the lips. Most of my family disowned me as I'd show up to reunions bursting with energy. I'd run around the park shelters and once my antics caused me to knock over a grill and burn my uncle's foot with hot coals. He had to wear flip-flops for weeks because of the second degree burns.

I hope they understand now that soda is just a dark part of me. An evil spread by corporations that I fell into due to creative commercials and attractive women holding aluminum.

It’s not my fault.

It’s just that soda is so accessible and cheap and makes me feel like staring at a sunset with friends and girls in bikinis. I’m an innocent victim in the game of capitalism.

At least I’m not like my cousin.

He’s an heroin addict.

And an asshole.

A Note To Washington Brewers

Dear Washington Brewers,

I support your right to love hops. I support you making local IPAs that people love to drink. I support all you brewers who are trying to make a craft beer to rival mass-produced horse piss. I support these things.

I do not support your incessant need to put a high number of hops in seemingly every beer you produce. I had an amber lager the other day that had 20 IBUs in it. Really? It’s an amber lager. Since when did that require so many hops? (Yes, I know that’s technically on the light scale but it’s at the max of that scale so don’t get saucy about it)

I also had an "Immersion Ale" with 27 IBUs. I guess the "Immersion" into my American ale was a shot of bitter and sour grossness that leaves a worse taste in your mouth than a Republican debate on female contraceptives.

I’m quite tired of being excited to try a new local beer only to find it filled with way too many hops. If I want a beer with hops, I’ll order an IPA. I know people love hops around here and that’s OK, but just because I love Sci-Fi shows doesn’t mean I want to watch an episode of Silicon Valley with an alien invasion and space battles in it. It wouldn’t fit the show’s premise and hops don’t fit the premise of every beer type.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing (though I don’t really like hoppy beers so I’m getting too much of something that makes me want to gag). The Greeks weren’t just saying that “too much of anything is a bad thing.” They had reason for it and I would like you to heed their words. Hops have their place in beer, but not in every beer you produce.

There are two main issues I have with this current trend. One, it’s misleading for someone who wants to order something like a lager or an ale and won’t be expecting to have hops shot in their mouth. Imagine if you were surprised to bite into a piece of ravioli and a bunch of seamen came out of it. That’s basically what you’re doing to people (This might be a slight exaggeration).

Second, it makes it seem like you don’t know how to brew beer. I understand that there are many different hops and (for some people) fun variations of flavors within those hops. But I also know that they’re great for hiding faults in your beer because of their strong taste. When you put a bunch of hops into a beer that shouldn’t have that many, I’m assuming it’s because you didn’t know how to actually brew that type of beer and you needed the hops to disguise what was wrong with it.

Obviously, hoppy beers are very popular around here and that’s totally fine. I can put up with going to the grocery store and having fewer selections of beers that I enjoy but it’s very irritating to then have those selections also filled with an ingredient that I can’t stand. So please, embrace the fact that other types of beers have their worth as well and plenty of different flavors and complexities and keep your damn hops out of them.

Thank you for your cooperation.



Sincerely,

Jordan Miles