We seem to love reboots. Reboots of movies are going on all over the place. We've already had at least two this year with Evil Dead and The Great Gatsby about to premier. It got me thinking that maybe other facets of our lives should be rebooted. Like all of those stories we tell children when we really don't want to tell them the truth. With the advent of new technologies and the Internet, these stories are outdated and will be much harder to believe. I've decided to give you a reboot to tell you're children when they ask, "Where do babies come from?"
The "classic" story we tell children when they come up with this uncomfortable question of human creation is to say that a stork drops the baby off at your doorstep. However, with air pollution and the skies being more crowded, I worry that children will not buy this fictitious story. If they don't believe the story, then the parent might be thrown into the uncomfortable and terrifying ordeal of explaining sex (Gasp!). Don't worry, as a young and childless person, I have the solution so that you don't have to explain conception to the young.
The key to updating any reboot is to either make it more gritty and realistic (which I wouldn't suggest you do when talking to a four year-old about sex) or to set it in modern day with terrific special effects. I will try and play out the scenario for you so that you can keep a script while answering questions. Please note, however, that improvisation may be involved as the child will not be scripted and is likely to just spew out words at an alarming and rapid pace with little coherency. Maybe give them a chewy bar to slow them down. A good offense is a good peanut-buttery snack.
(For simplicity I have just decided on a father-son conversation)
*Note: If you are talking to a child of the female sex, please be sure to change the dialogue accordingly unless you want your child to grow up uncertain about her gender.
BOY: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son?
BOY: Where do babies come from?
DAD: Well, son, you see that's a complicated question.
BOY: Johnny said they come from storks but that doesn't make sense because there isn't a stork population around here. Besides, are you telling me that we're so irresponsible with our children that we let birds carry them through our polluted air and risk being hit by air-traffic? (*Note: Child will probably not be this well spoken. If he/she is, please introduce him or her to the world of being a playwright)
DAD: Yes, I see your point there. Who's Johnny?
BOY: He's from school.
DAD: You see, Johnny isn't wrong.
BOY: We come from birds?
DAD: We used to, back before our gas emissions were melting the polar ice-caps and causing smog in dense cities. Life was simpler where we could entrust our babies to disease ridden flocks of birds.
BOY: Gee, that sounds great!
DAD: But now we've gotten smarter, thanks to computers.
BOY: Computers?
DAD: Yes, my boy. You see, since computers have advanced so much, we've found a much better delivery system for our babies.
BOY: So, we don't UPS then?
DAD: Not in the least, son. UPS and Fed-Ex drivers are for drug deliveries only. Remember that.
BOY: Yes, sir!
DAD: No, what we do now is download our children.
BOY: Really?
DAD: Why of course (Add in some laughter that scoffs and finds amusement out of the child's ignorance)! It's really quite simple. You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they sometimes decide they want a baby.
BOY: Like me!
DAD: That's right, son, just like you! So, what the mommy and daddy do is that they go online to a special website that only adults can get into. Then, they place an order for a baby using their PayPal account or through a regular credit card.
BOY: But then how do they get here?
DAD: That's easily explained, son. Once the child has been ordered, the file is simply downloaded onto a portable memory device, like a flash-drive.
BOY: Gee-willikers!
DAD: Then, the mommy and daddy take the memory device to the hospital where they have large servers that can contain massive amounts of data. Once there, we give the memory device to the technician doctors who then plug it into their computers and download the baby to a hard-drive.
BOY: But how do you turn that consciousness into a physical form? (*Note: If this were a real child he or she would probably say something like... "What?")
DAD: It's all perfectly explainable. Once the baby is on the hard-drive then the technician doctors can make sure all of the chromosomes were input correctly and no data was lost through transfer. Then, they simply use their 3D printers to print the child out! It's the perfect way to safely and cleanly bring a child into the world!
BOY: Wow! It makes so much sense!
DAD: It sure does.
BOY: If it's so simple, then how come all those protesters say only a man and a woman can have a baby?
DAD: They're just bigots, son. Just bigots and sons of bitches.
BOY: You're so smart, dad!
DAD: I sure am.
END
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